alive.

Bojangles and Cheerwine

2009-09-02T22:11:00.000-07:00

After a lifetime of saying i didn't care to ever visit Los Angeles (and i really didn't), i find that i spend almost as much time there as i do in Johnson City lately. And it has been wonderful. The sunny skies, lowered humidity, waving palm trees, and melting-pot culture scene of LA makes me feel so at home and relaxed when I visit. It may have something to do with a particularly fabulous man living there...but that's not the point! I've learned my way around so that I don't always have to depend on Mario's navigation system...and i love certain areas that we've experienced together - Malibu, Los Feliz, Old Pasadena, and more!

But, today, being literally stranded in my old hometown of Granite Falls due to car troubles, I got to enjoy the good things of Southern, North Carolina foothills living once again. I have been very happy to no longer live in this area...although Johnson City is sadly not much different. I bristle at the lack of diversity...or even acceptance of cultural diversity. I feel lonely as many people in this area don't understand my big-world mindset and go-getter attitude.

Yet, as I drove around enjoying the cool, sunny day amplifying the greenness of the rolling hills and full summer trees, i felt my guard lower a little. I was suddenly craving Bojangles chicken and biscuits, so i stopped for some (although I had to drive about 15 minutes to find the nearest restaurant!). The fountain drink machine offered "Cheerwine" and I was taken back several years to being a young girl and claiming that was my favorite drink. As I drove back to my parent's house, munching on fried chicken, sipping Cheerwine, and being nearly blinded by the beauty of the countryside, I realized I am thankful for having experienced such beauty throughout my life. The area presents unique problems, but it can be so peaceful, laid-back, unassumingly beautiful, and simple. So, although i don't worship the land and traditions of the area, i appreciate the good things it offers and will enjoy them while I can!

On the Air!

2009-08-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

Lisa and I were on the radio to plug our growing non-profit organization, Families Free! Listen in here...

my very big beef with john piper

2009-08-21T12:43:00.000-07:00

i've heard john piper speak in person once at a Passion conference in Atlanta, GA. He was right on with his statement...i even felt inclined to check out his books.

but, lately, john piper has been reaching out through other social media means, namely a blog and twitter, and I'm beginning to think he needs to stick with carefully considered sermons and more controlled settings.

my ire against him began when he tweeted about topics that I have been extensively researching and working in for the past three years: crime and incarceration. He referenced two articles and cheerily summed up his ignorant conclusion.

i tried to give him the benefit of a doubt and read the articles he referenced. The authors, somewhat, acknowledged that they, too, weren't sure they knew what they were talking about. Yet, Piper tweets away and who knows how many Christians he influenced to trivialize the condition of thousands of families adversely impacted by incarceration in the U.S. today. Christians, who i strongly believe should be at the forefront of dealing with the social issues devastating families and children, are encouraged by him that things aren't so bad after all!

First, don't cite an article where the authors aren't sure what they are talking about. Second, do a little investigation yourself. Third, don't tweet about it, unless you know something about it.

So, I was already puzzled at Piper for that. Then, he had to post this blog.

wow.

I haven't read something that ignorant since...ever! Did this guy finish high school? Does he know anything about weather patterns, physics, mathematics, chance? Has he ever read the Bible? I'm so angry to be misrepresented as a Christian by him. I am so angry to be getting a doctorate as a Christian, while the stereotype of the uneducated, non-thinking Christian is being exemplified on the world wide web.

Fortunately, other people have thought things through more clearly. Please read their words here. They state what I think...just more succinctly and coherently!

my favorite response: Greg Boyd
Another good one: Candace Chellew-Hodge on religion dispatches

Be the Artist!

2009-08-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

So, i love "be the artist" stuff online that lets you be, say Jackson Pollock or even Picasso!

I've found a couple new sites that I will be sharing with you over the next week! The first site is Odosketch fun! Don't ask about the name...I have no idea!!!

Click on this Odosketch link and it will take you to the creation online, displaying it line-by-line, as sketched by me! Then, do your own! it's so relaxing!

a succession of fun...

2009-08-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

I love the look on Matthew's face...once we're OFF his back!

This was taken on the fourth of July...where we were sitting on a hill overlooking the city of Los Angeles, watching fireworks rise up from every direction. It was amazing! It looked like fireworks were erupting from every street!!!

days to laugh at...

2009-07-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

yes, i ended my title with a preposition. but, look at it, it's not following any grammatical rules - capitalization, fragmentation, etc. it's a title, get over it.

and yes, it's been one of those days...
One of those days that you hope you will laugh at next week...
You hope that you'll be with your honey 20 years from now to tell the story to your kids...yeah, about how mom and dad slept in the car at the airport because mom woke dad up at 3:30 am...the alarm on her phone still being on Eastern Standard Time. And she was flying out of LAX.

yes, that was me. when i woke up, i felt like things were right...it definitely felt waaaay too early to be getting up. My poor boyfriend who is not at all an early riser got up, got dressed, and we got in the car for a timely arrival to the airport. The day was off to a super-smooth start. Until he started the car and began to drive off...

in perhaps the most huge numbers I've ever seen in my life, the time from his car clock blinked "3:30" ... a.m. It was at that point that i pointed and gasped, "my phone's on Eastern Standard Time!" We both looked at the clock, blinking, trying to find a better explanation. There was none. I had screwed up.

my sleepy, non-morning person, hates-his-job boyfriend was not happy. He was in no mood to go back to his friend's place (where we had crashed the night before), just to wake up his friend to let us back in. We would drive on. It was dark, it was way too early, it was miserable. I felt so bad knowing that babe needed his sleep to deal with all the incompetent executives and unprofessional assistants at his job. He found an empty parking lot near the airport and we managed to fall asleep for 3 more hours.

I was despondent. a long-distance relationship is hard enough...you want your last minutes together to be good memories, positive, full of laughter or smiles. i felt like i wasn't supposed to be in LA at that moment...somehow, I was supposed to have been on that plane that I tried to catch stand-by the night before. The night before...babe had been able to walk into the airport and kiss me goodbye...there were hugs, and kisses, and smiles. That would have been the right way to leave.

but, i am finding out that life doesn't always have to be this romantic, happy, amazing experience to be good. Sometimes the good things come with the moments of frustration, impatience, incompetence (on my part!). And that's how you know you really have a good thing.

The good friendships, the good relationships persist even when things aren't exactly perfect. When your friend doesn't agree with your decisions, but still vows to be there for you - that's when you know you've got a gem of a friendship. When you screw up and act incompetent, but your man still wants to hold your hand and be by your side, that's love - in my book!

And, imagine a life where we always tried to be perfect, and we never knew what amazing, capable of forgiveness and grace, friends and family we have...that's the life I tried to live for so many years. Thanks to some love and an invitation to authenticity, i now strive to be just me...the pure form. Some of you get a heavier dose of the real me than others. but, in the end, i just appreciate you...those who have stuck with me through the days, weeks, and years of craziness. I look forward to more good to come.

funny....

2009-07-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

true??? ;)

(from @thinkjose tweet)

A quick rant...

2009-07-21T12:06:00.000-07:00

In response...

to a dumb article...

yeah...all those "bush" jokes so quickly forgotten!! wow! the poor damsel in distress liberals...so innocent, niave, and beguiling! we love to conveniently forget our past bad behavior and pretend we've always been as great as the president's current approval ratings are. in fact, it's our good behavior that's brought on this karma of nearly totalitarian liberal rule!

but, hate to break it to you, Mr. Chapman, it's not the good of the liberals, but the bad of the conservatives that has brought us here. so, before liberals start acting all holier-than-thou, they should remind themselves that the favor of the mob is a tricky, fleeting thing.

besides, i think, the magazine cover is referring to a rectal exam...alluding to Obama's healthcare reform efforts, which, at best, will be painful. No change in the healthcare system is going to feel good...it's going to be a pain in the rear with all the money it will cost!!!!

if i truly thought these statements were based on a race thing, i'd be outraged. but i don't think they are. i think people jump to the most negative, sensational conclusion (rape)...and don't fully seek to understand the message being sent (the magazine cover showing Obama as a physician prepping for a rectal exam). people aren't smart...and then they're judgmental. don't let that be you, Mr. Chapman.

just south of the mason dixon line...

2009-07-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Haha! My feelings exactly! Maybe my songwriter boyfriend and I can work something out! ;) ;)

The Hope Chest

2009-07-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

I peruse a variety of websites when I'm about to go mad writing on the dissertation. I try to find websites with content or images that will inspire me...or take me away for a few moments.

Today, my fancy was food...so I was snooping around Epicurious. I clicked here and there and found myself face to face with this image.

Just an herb garden...a pretty herb garden, at that. But, in an instant I was reminded of a set of herb pots that, I believe, still rest in the back of my old closet at my parent's house...inside a plastic, duvet bag that has been designated my "hope chest".

I remember the day I got them. The set came as a Christmas gift from, then, Kristen Connelly, who drew my name that year. I believe it was a "Life Challengers" thing. When I got them, I loved them and I excitedly, and naively, put them away in this "hope chest" that I was told to start...a hope chest full of treasures that I would one day use when I got married and moved into a house with the man God has for me. Cookie cutter dreams.

I wasn't given the alternative option...what to do if you didn't get married at age 19 like the pastor's wife did. What to do if you are almost 30 and still not married. Was I supposed to put my life on hold until I managed to get married?

Fortunately, I managed to take some notes from other girls who are also figuring it out on their own, and I realized I didn't need to wait. I bought a set of high quality bath towels and cloths, along with other decorative items for the bathroom. Why only enjoy beautiful, soft, plush towels at the spa? I'm single...and have no kids! Get nice towels now!!! My roommate's gone a similar splurge recently and bought an awesome set of dishes for our little house to use. Funny how towels and dishes can just make your world.

I'm now 28 years old and I believe it's time. When I go to my parent's house next week, it's time to ceremoniously ditch the herbal container set...which really wasn't that cute anyway. I'll get rid of all the other hideous items, too, that I considered treasures in the day when my world consisted of dirt roads, doublewides, and Pappy's.

If I ever have a daughter one day, I hope that I pass on the strong domestic streak I've gotten from my mother. But, I also hope that I expose her to good things and different ways of life from all over the world. I hope she knows that she can marry young and settle down quietly in the hills of North Carolina, or she can be single until she's 40 and enjoy the metropolitan life in a big city somewhere. She can live in California...even L.A., or Anderson, South Carolina, or New Delhi, India! And, there's nothing wrong with that. I hope I convey to her that she can change the world or just her world, however she sees fit. And that she's of extreme value whichever path of life she's given by God to take. And I hope that I will raise her to know the love of God and to always desire him in her life, no matter the ups and downs and surprise turns she's given. And I hope she will know she is loved, just as she is.

LOVE TED Talks!

2009-06-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

Great TED talk about how we can use people's individual perceptions of time to help overcome major issues in healthcare, violence, and individual success. hmmmm....

More Research: Support Marriage to Reduce Poverty

2009-06-09T11:50:00.000-07:00

I've always thought that, ultimately, if God's ways are the best way, then empirical research will support it, as well.

Today I came across a journal issue giving the "Next Generation of Antipoverty Policies". It caught my eye since I need to address the issue of poverty in my dissertation discussion.

What really caught my eye? Marriage should be used as a tool to reduce poverty! Wow.

Read on...this is an excerpt from Paul Amato and Rebecca Maynards' article, Decreasing Nonmarital Births and Strengthening Marriage to Reduce Poverty (click the link for the full article):

Amato and Maynard recommend that all school systems offer health and sex education whose primary message is that parenthood is highly problematic for unmarried youth. They also recommend educating young people about methods to prevent unintended pregnancies. Ideally, the federal government would provide tested curriculum models that emphasize both abstinence and use of contraception. All youth should understand that unintended pregnancies are preventable and have enormous costs for the mother, the father, the child, and society.

Strengthening marriage, argue the authors, is also potentially an effective strategy for fighting poverty. Researchers consistently find that premarital education improves marital quality and lowers the risk of divorce. About 40 percent of couples about to marry now participate in premarital education. Amato and Maynard recommend doubling that figure to 80 percent and making similar programs available for married couples. Increasing the number of couples receiving services could mean roughly 72,000 fewer divorces each year, or around 65,000 fewer children entering a single-parent family every year because of marital dissolution. After seven or eight years, half a million fewer children would have entered single-parent families through divorce. Efforts to decrease the share of children in single-parent households, say the authors, would almost certainly be cost effective in the long run and could reduce child poverty by 20 to 29 percent.

Okay, shut the door!!!!! This is such a great story!!

2009-06-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Is Love Being Lost?

2009-06-08T09:02:00.000-07:00

I do not even begin to presume I know a "best" way for relationships. I firmly subscribe to the thought that there is NO FORMULA for life. And people thinking they know the best way need to stop cramming their way down the throats of others. Really, God just might be big enough to handle a variety of different types of relationships and paths. But, I do think, at the moment, that they all lead to the same thing: relationship, intimacy, commitment. I think this because those are key elements that God pursues in his relationship with us - relationship, intimacy, commitment.

So, although i personally know and love people who have seemed to reflect this "relaxed attitude toward sex outside of relationships", I do know their actions have led them into long-term commitments and relationships to children and their children's fathers, husbands. I'm grateful for the way that God has used different situations to bring people closer to himself.

Yet, being a public health professional, I am constantly thinking about the holistic approach to health. I really believe that sexual, intimate, relational health is a huge issue that can take a toll on our mental health, physical health, spiritual health, and emotional health. To take a casual approach is not wise, I'm thinking...and I agree with the following...

From an article on NPR about sex, intimacy, dating, and relationships.

Empowerment Or Loss Of Intimacy?

A number of experts accept this relaxed attitude toward sex outside of relationships as a natural consequence of the sexual revolution, women's growing independence and the availability of modern contraceptives. But Deborah Roffman, who conducts human sexuality workshops for middle- and high-school-age students and their parents, sees that as a distorted view of liberation.

"It's not a new model. I think most people would probably look back and agree that this has been a more traditionally, or at least stereotypically, male model," says Roffman. "What I've seen over the last few years is girls adopting a more compartmentalized view, and feeling good and empowered by it."

She's not convinced that this is a good thing for women, and says that being able to say yes is only one way of looking at freedom. She would feel much better if young men also were developing a greater capacity for intimacy.

Being able to engage in intimate relationships where men and women bring all of themselves to the relationship is the cornerstone of family, Roffman says.

**For those of you who read the whole article, have you seen/do you agree that these changes truly are happening in our society? I'm too old, apparently, and may be too far inside the bubble...but I have not really witnessed this as reality. Is it?

Bursting out of the Bible-Belt Bubble

2009-05-22T10:19:00.001-07:00

I am not losing my faith.

The fact that I even have to make that preface is saying something about the culture of Christianity in the area where I was raised and currently live. I've lived an open, seriously committed Christian walk for the past 8 years of my life, but when I chose to challenge certain "standard" Christian mindsets, suddenly I find myself being accused of walking away from my faith! Throw in a couple mistakes and some new experiences, and i'm pretty much back-slidden as far as you can get.

I thought there was a certain power to our faith... but that will be another blog.

Today, I just want to mention aspects of the standard "Christian" view in the area where I live that really bother me.

It all started when I found myself mentoring a little girl whose both parents were in prison, then i worked for that mentoring agency, and then suddenly found myself a co-founder of an organization to help families of prisoners and having completed dissertation research with this population that i was told would be impossible to do. What did i learn from all of this?

Criminals are human beings. Their children and families are too.

However, the cultural atmosphere that I was raised in encouraged me to look at people that do wrong against society to be something less than human. We also looked at citizens of countries that were in opposition against our country in the same way (Russia, during and after the Cold War; Iraq; Iran). We even looked at people of different races and ethnicities in a similar way. These are people that we are to just throw into prison and lock up forever. These are the people that "we just need to send a plane over and drop a bomb" on. We were good, they were evil. We were seeking freedom, they deserved death, no questions asked.

After the experiences I have had over the past few years, I just can't do this any longer. Especially when I look closely at how Jesus conducted himself while he was on this earth. What did he say? "Whoever is without sin, cast the first stone".

I read a certain person's, okay it was Shane McDonald's, impression of how Jesus set a standard for the death penalty in that verse i quoted above, i was suddenly aware that maybe Jesus wouldn't be so pleased with the standard evangelical Christian perspective. After all, the evangelical Christian has had a stronghold over this country since its inception, yet look at the current condition of our country today. The country is becoming less Christian? The institution of marriage is frazzled - and I'm not at all referring to the rising acceptance of homosexuality - I'm talking about the divorce rate among heterosexual couples. This country imprisons more of its citizens than any other country in the world!

Not that I'm bent on being so pessimistic...but these are things that I hear most often lamented by evangelical Christians in their tirades against "the world" or "hollywood" or "liberals".

I wonder...if perhaps the mindset of this Christian majority is what has tipped the country into a moral downslide?

Evangelical Christians are more likely to find the use of torture acceptable...more so than their "worldly" counterparts. They support the death penalty. They use rejection and shunning as methods to control others.

Is it that "Christians are living within their own moral universe"? (a statement from Joel Hunter, an evangelical megachurch pastor from Orlando, FL in a recent article). He goes on to say,

"In the last few decades, we have kind of created our own moral terms -- more neoconservative than walking in sacrificial love."

Wow. No wonder i'm confused and frustrated. I never signed up for this neoconservatism crap. I was wooed in by a Savior offering sacrificial love!!!!

David Gushee (ethicist at Mercer University, president of Evangelicals for Human Rights, columnist for Associated Baptist Press, contributing editor for Christianity Today) stated,

"These answers [to the torture issue] reveal deep problems in the moral formation of evangelical Christians, especially in the South, our capitulation to utilitarianism rather than submission to the lordship of Christ, and our weakness in developing and committing to a human-rights ethic."

Charles Kammer, professor of religious studies at the College of Wooster, seems to agree, quoted in a CNN article as saying, "What's good for American has often been seen as God's will...[Christians] think the torture of evil people is not bad, but may be morally required as a way of protecting the good people."

And i've thought this for a while...but that, too, will be another blog.

In the end, I agree with another statement made by Kammer:

"If we're ever going to provide any moral leadership in the world, we have to live in the world in a particular way. We can't criticize our enemies for doing what we're doing."

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Let's be more accepting: One person esteems one day above another; another esteems every day alike. Let each be fully convinced in his own mind. 6 He who observes the day, observes it to the Lord; and he who does not observe the day, to the Lord he does not observe it. He who eats, eats to the Lord, for he gives God thanks; and he who does not eat, to the Lord he does not eat, and gives God thanks. (Romans 1:5-6) I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. 15 Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; (Romans 1:14-15).

Let's refuse to judge one another, i should, especially: Therefore let us not judge one another anymore, but rather resolve this, not to put a stumbling block or a cause to fall in our brother's way. (Romans 1:13)

Embracing the Need

2009-05-06T20:37:00.001-07:00

When I'm able to update Families Free's website in a couple weeks, I would like to post this to the website there. But, until then, I'm posting this here...hopefully, it will pique someone's interest.

Being in the world of incarceration means that I tune into articles that might not be catch the eye of the average reader...in, perhaps, obscure news sources such as the Milwaukee, Wisconsin Journal Sentinel! But the truth of the matter is that millions, if not billions, of federal and state dollars are being pumped into a critical national problem that many citizens are not able to recognize. So, I am interested when I see articles entitled "Being smarter about who goes to prison". I really encourage you to read the entire article (it's a quick read) and it will introduce you to the issues behind the facts that...

- 1 in 100 American residents are behind BARS

- 1 in 30 American residents are under some form of correctional supervision (prison, jail, probation, or house arrest)

The solutions posed in this article are exactly what I see is needed, especially in the Northeast Tennessee area. In the state of TN, over 50% of released offenders on parole returned to prison after 3 years. Roughly 56% of state inmates report a mental health problem. When it comes to drug use, 33% of state inmates were under the influence of drugs when they committed the offense they were imprisoned for and more than 50% used drugs in the month prior to the offense. (Let me know if you want the sources!)

These facts show that we cannot simply house offenders in a jail or prison and hope the problems go away. We need more proactive solutions: to use our tax $$$ better! Again, I like the solutions given in the article, as follows:

• More halfway houses and generally just more places short of prison where folks who violate their probation can be sent for shorter periods to get the help they need.

• More substance abuse treatment, for sure - increasing the beer tax, which hasn't been raised for 40 years and is the third lowest in the nation, to help pay for that.

• More specialized training for probation officers to deal with mental illness; lower caseloads for them as well; and more mental health services for those on probation.

• A better way of assessing who is at high risk for revocation.

• And, generally, more robust re-entry programs so the transition from prison to community life is made easier if the probation is coming after a portion of the sentence is served.

At Families Free, we are trying to help provide these solutions by creating programs and raising awareness. Did you know that the Northeast Tennessee area has no certified halfway house specifically for women...even though the Board of Probation and Parole has advocated for one? At Families Free, we just kicked off a re-entry program called Community Return where we are working with female state inmates about to return to their families in our community! We are starting small - with 10 women, but we hope to prepare them to re-enter society and will walk with them for a year after their release. We have 43 more women signed up to enter the program for the next cycle! Hopefully, with your support of Families Free (through funding and partnerships), we can all work together to make our community a safer, healthier place to live!

For more information about Families Free, visit our website! www.familiesfree.com

Looove birthday cake!!!

2009-05-01T11:49:00.000-07:00

Some yummy birthday cupcakes - thanks to my good friend, Lisa Tipton! :)

2009-04-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Sweet!

2009-04-13T19:54:00.001-07:00

Okay...this is one of the most touching stories I've come across in a while.

It's a true "underdog" story. An assuming woman sings her heart out at the British version of American Idol - Britain's Got Talent. Her story and the event is worth your 7-8 minutes!!!

Click here to watch!

Thoughts of forgiveness, and loving, and Easter...

2009-04-09T11:37:00.001-07:00

I am truly glad that we celebrate a holiday that reminds us of God's love and sacrifice for us. I'm always aware, somewhere in the back of my mind, of these things...but the formal recognition of Easter causes me to really deal with the reality of what God has done for us, for me. This year's Easter may be the best Easter yet... I have so much I am thankful for. And, this year, i am even more aware of the grace and love God has for me. On Sunday, i will appreciate the meaning of communion - his body broken and blood shed...for my forgiveness, and i will celebrate Christ's ascension...and the hope this brings to the world.

I am excited because, this year, i know more about Jesus' grace and forgiveness for us. The story of the woman who washed Jesus' feet with her perfume, tears, and hair has always perplexed me. This woman...she was a sinner...so, i always knew i was supposed to identify with her in some way. But, i felt more like a Pharisee's wife, not that i intentionally judged others, but i was always trying to do right. But, Jesus said of this woman, "...her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little." What? Really? What does that mean?

As I think about Easter this year, I still don't fully understand what Jesus meant. But, I do know that God has enlarged my heart to allow others to come into my life...and to love like i never have before. Through the hurt and loneliness i experienced this year, he has dismantled something inside me that compelled me to always be performing. Even though I am getting a doctorate in community health, i realized i have so much to learn about real community. And, i now know i was never meant to be a lone warrior, in solitude. i am learning that loving much means loving other human beings in spite of their faults, their failures, their human-ness! Loving much means realizing that i, too, have so much to learn as i journey alongside those God has put in my life. Loving much means that people are more important than standards, ideas, strategic plans, organizations, or bottom lines. Loving much means that i take risks in loving people, risks in not being or appearing perfect, risks in letting others know who i truly am.

So, I am so thankful for the special people God has in my life...new and old friends, alike. I am excited about this next year...of just being and going through life with them. I want to be like the sinful woman pouring out her perfume and tears...forgiven becauses i have loved much.

Open to Suggestions...

2009-03-20T15:13:00.000-07:00

A payroll tax holiday is sounding better and better. And I know, very well, that the income brackets that would get more money due to a payroll tax holiday would most certainly blow it right back into the economy, almost immediately! I know...because I'm one of them!

Something that Really Matters...

2009-03-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

In all that's going on in my life, in my mind...I am brought back to this dream of desiring to live just like Jesus, which is, admittedly, not the way I live today.

If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world - C.S. Lewis

But, I came across an article today which said this:

"One of the greatest ironies of the history of Christianity," Nouwen observes, "is that its leaders constantly gave in to the temptation of power—political power, military power, economic power, or moral and spiritual power—even though they continued to speak in the name of Jesus, who did not cling to his divine power but emptied himself and became as we are." Everywhere we look, we see individuals and organizations vying for power; Couples struggle for power in their households, and technology companies struggle for power in the personal computer market. But we are called to a different pattern, a different model, in which we are servants in the upside-down kingdom of God. As Nouwen says, "The way of the Christian leader is not the way of upward mobility in which our world has invested so much, but the way of downward mobility ending on the cross ... I am speaking of a leadership in which power is constantly abandoned in favor of love.

The rest of the article is worth your time...read "The Problem with the Pattern".

Bob Ross, Eat Your Heart Out

2009-03-02T19:59:00.000-08:00

This is mesmerizing!

[you may have to jump start the video...it seems to get stuck at the first few seconds.]

a video and a poem...

2009-02-25T19:53:00.000-08:00

This video is just funny...i hope it doesn't get disabled...it's the comedian Louis CK on Conan O'Brian... (sent to me from Mario, a few hours ago)

and this poem is just lovely... (sent to me from Mama, a few minutes ago)

"The afternoon is bright,
with spring in the air,
a mild March afternoon,
with the breath of April stirring,
I am alone in the quiet patio
looking for some old untried illusion -
some shadow on the whiteness of the wall
some memory asleep
on the stone rim of the fountain,
perhaps in the air
the light swish of some trailing gown."

- Antonio Machado, 1875-1939

beautiful flowers from my sweetheart!

2009-02-18T20:43:00.000-08:00

Facebook Concerns...

2009-02-18T10:08:00.001-08:00

Facebook concerns...here's the latest:

http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/02/18/facebook.reversal/index.html

Still, i think i will be taking some of my more favorite pics off the site and removing my notes (although i'm well aware that they will still have archived copies). I think of all my photographer friends who have these exquisite photos online...and then my brilliant thinker friends who have their notes online...it'd be a real shame if Facebook tried to take possession of those things. But, i wouldn't put it past them! So, i'm minimalizing my Facebook to strictly networking.

If you want to read my words, come back here! My photos are on SmugMug!

people watching thoughts...

2009-02-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Good morning from L.A.!

It is after noon EST, but here i'm just now settling in with an organic Americano and cranberry scone at Groundwork, a little coffee place at Cahuenga and Sunset Blvd. It's just down the street from where Mario works at Realsongs, so I just rode with him to work...and am resuming work, as normal! It's no different than if i were in Johnson City...yet it feels a bit more glamorous! The brick walls and umkempt look of the place makes it feel like a true "hole in the wall". And...organic coffee, Americano, teas...wish Johnson City had this!!!

I am reading through a book by Shaun McNiff called Trust the Process and just finished a chapter last night (on the plane) about traveling to new places. The author wrote of how being a stranger, in a new place, stimulates our creativity. Somehow, as we enter new spaces, we are much more in-tune with our surroundings...and he suggests, are more receptive to the energies of those environments. That's why we can be enchanted with the little hole-in-the-wall coffee shops and we tend to serendipitously meet fascinating people. When we become familiar with a place, we are no longer receptive to those energies...I guess we become numb to them.

This could be good - if we proactively seek to refresh our perspectives and engage in new experiences. But, this is usually bad...when we settle into the routine, the familiar and fail to receive different ideas, different perspectives, and hence, lose our ability to engage with people of different skin colors, different beliefs and different ethnicities.

I know Jesus was one that engaged with all types of people...he wasn't afraid of their differences in perspectives, their different beliefs, their social status, or their sin. He wasn't afraid. He knew his father...and he knew all things had been given to him. So, boldly, he engaged and loved those people. As a result, all kinds of people came to know they were immensely loved by the Creator of the universe and they came to embrace redemption.

I love that visiting the big cities reminds me of the big God i serve...and how he has this unfathomable love...for all people.

Things I Am Learning

2009-02-08T21:10:00.000-08:00

i love learning and reading...
i strongly dislike doing it for school any more. But, lately, the dissertation work has come to a lull (waiting on data) and life has taken a much more calm, restful flavor. This weekend was deliciously peaceful.

so, i took several moments to read through a Catalyst Groupzine called "Intentional About Community" which is absolutely my heart's beat at the moment. I'm learning about authenticity, love, relationship, and community. It's all apart of this thing I think God is doing to teach me how to really live...like a human being, not like a super Christian i was raised to think i had to be.

i still have dreams, hopes, visions...yet, i'm learning how to let these unfold while i maintain my sanity! A great article by Mike Foster and Jud Wilhite called "The Assassin of the Headless Springting Chicken" gave some good pointers, so i'll share them with you!

1. manage life in seasons.
2. stop trying to prove yourself.
3. plan according to your energy.
4. take technology breaks.

each step stops me in my tracks. what season of life am i in...what do i need to focus my energies on through the duration of this season? just stop. i feel like a loser sleeping in...but i think more clearly if i do. technology breaks? this will be the hardest. i might turn off my Blackberry...only when i'm with Mario! i can't miss a call from him! :)

Barack's Bridget Jones Moment!

2009-01-20T17:55:00.001-08:00

there were many moments today that brought tears to my eyes...made me weepy with the realization of justice being done in our nation among my fellow Americans today. I am so proud of many moments that today brought.

One of the funnier moments was, of course, the moment where Barack Obama reminded me of Bridget Jones, a notorious public speaker. You can listen for yourself...what i'm referring to is in the first 50 seconds of the video.

Sounds familiar?

"Welcome to the launch of Kakfa's Motorbike, the greatest book of our time!...
Obviously except for your books, Mr. Rushdie, which are also very good.
...And Lord Archer, yours...aren't...bad...either.
Anyway, what I mean is, uh, welcome ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the launch of one of the top 30 books of our time...at least!"

love it!

2009-01-12T17:55:00.000-08:00

fish in the sea weekend...

2008-12-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

pics from a sweet weekend in Nashville with my Mario and his friends...

This is so...

2008-12-11T20:41:00.001-08:00

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

Anais Nin

one reason i love my family

2008-11-24T09:55:00.000-08:00

In an email from Mama to all of her six kids:

In case I haven't told you, Terry has agreed to hire Pat McNeill to help us take the wall out between the diningroom and the TV area so we can all fit in one room. The family is expanding. Zander, Ala, who knows what's next. Paul is getting bigger. Emily needs more space to do her wild Jim Carrey moves. "I believe I can fly. . . Ibelieve Ibelieve Ibelieve!!!" Pat says he will have it done by Christmas!! Yay!!

Why Obama Won

2008-11-08T20:48:00.000-08:00

A paradigm shift has occurred in how leaders are viewed. Expectations for leaders have moved from “born to lead” charismatic individuals with innate “traits” for leadership to visionary, creative, and adaptive individuals with a team-oriented or collaborative approach to leadership (Lambert, 1998; W.K. Kellogg Foundation, n.d.). We now consider and teach one another that anyone can learn the skills needed for impactful, effective leadership. The idea of leaders as the “lone warrior” is losing power as our ability to connect and need for collaboration expands. To achieve these needs, individuals taking leading roles are either beginning to include other genders and ethnicities or those other leaders are finally gaining recognition. Helgesen’s perspective rings true: “The old lone hero leader is increasingly being recognized as not only deadening to the human spirit, but also ultimately inefficient” (1990). Extending even beyond the concept of team leadership, some researchers suggest that leadership is growing from an individualistic concept to an extended concept in that we can now work toward “leaderful organizations” (Raelin, 2003; Avolio, 1999). The former concept of leadership is being further disassembled as “leadership is no longer purely an individual matter, but is spread throughout an organization with leadership roles and functions being performed by various people who do not necessarily hold formal leadership positions” (Forbes, 2004).

(an excerpt from a leadership paper i am currently writing...and just found the correlations to the recent election remarkable...)

first annual caramel apples bonfire!

2008-11-04T18:11:00.000-08:00

Yes...eating one, dipping another. i love being an adult!

Look at Kim's beautifully coated apple...lovely!

1st batch ever! - homemade caramel apples!

Proof that Seth was there!

This is how that went down...

This will guarantee caramel on or in your nose...

lovely, lovely times by the fire!

not exactly the quaker way...

2008-11-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

hence i am glad

2008-10-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

i learn, learn, learn,
grow...
hear, think, wonder, consider,
change.
retrace...
no, am resolved.
or eventually coming full circle...
yet.
never do i reach the boundaries.
yet to be discovered...
is the extent of God's love for me.

Twelve Seconds of Delight

2008-10-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

this just makes my heart laugh...
first to see three little boys moving like that...then the overall message. It's just precious!

The Irresponsibility of Christians, Part One

2008-10-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I recently received a disturbing email calling all prayer warriors to unite in prayer against Obama. The email warned us of Obama's evil plan to unite us, not under God, but under Allah, the Muslim god. I abhor such irresponsible emailing and information sharing among Christians. I understand the good intentions behind it, yet I ask us to wonder why the world doesn't want to be like us, when we are just as they are in misinforming each other and avoiding truth.

I understand the reasons why people think Obama may be Muslim...maybe he really is...but he is stating that he is a Christian and he is currently demonstrating a Christian lifestyle. Sure, we can look for fruits, yet we cannot continue to state that he is Muslim when he has openly denied it and stated that he is Christian in faith.

I have noticed a trend ever since I was old enough to be aware of elections, politics, and presidents. Growing up in a very politically active community, this was early in life. What I have noticed is that every four years, many strong, mature Christians make statements that if a certain presidental candidate (most often the democrat) wins, it will be the end of our country as we know it and the end of the world has come. Many times I have heard that this same candidate was the anti-Christ...Michael Dukakis, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and now, Barak Obama. Some of these candidates won, some did not, yet our country remained as it was.

More sadly, however, Christians remained as they were despite the candidate that came into office. The change in administrations has shown no impact on the moral progression of our society. And many Christians return from the polls and settle back into their complacency. None of them ever venture out into their communities with an effort to affect others with the love of Christ.

We continue to look toward each new president to turn the moral tide of our country. Yet, being the spiritual leader of our country isn't even his job! We are each, as the body of Christ, spiritual leaders embedded in the fabric of our society. Our actions, our words, our love - this is reflected in the current moral status of our country.

Let us refrain from continuing to evade our own personal responsibilities by blaming our spiritual state on presidential figures. We should be reaching out and developing loving relationships with those who are doing the things we so strongly feel are tearing the fabric of our nation apart. How have you loved someone that has recently had an abortion? How about that gay guy that is the friendliest and hardest working guy in the class? How do you expect the president to change our nation when none of these individuals in our communities have ever personally known the love of Christ extended through His Body?

good times...

2008-10-18T12:59:00.000-07:00

such sweet, adorable little girls!!!!

fun times in the park....and Isaiah wanted to smile this time!

rock hard abs...???? (I LOVE EMILY!)

agahst!

2008-10-16T18:49:00.000-07:00

...listening to the sounds of Ray wafting down the stairs is making me sad. Sad about the concerts in TN i am missing this weekend...sad about broken friendships...sad about past love interests...yet, it's a crazy misery. i love his music and i'd rather not turn it off even though it evokes this response.

i tell myself it's just tonite...that today's been a rough, nasty day. being an adult, being a leader, being driven by passion beyond yourself, yet feeling powerless to do much except work...it culminates and makes me crazy. i wonder if i should just stop...end this craziness.

then, i just tell myself that this is the process...the low after a brilliant high the last two weeks. i think of Anne of Green Gables...flying high on optimism and then nose-diving to a huge, glorious, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking crash.

excited about...

2008-10-06T12:51:00.001-07:00

excited about this...http://www.catalystconference.com/.

especially excited about...seth godin. I've been following his blog for a couple years now...very cool thoughts, recoms, ideas, and ways of saying those things!

and William Young, whose book...the Shack...is worth the hullaballoo you're hearing about it these days.

2008-09-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

From the New Yorker...

becoming...

2008-09-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

As i continue to work through my dissertation...eeking parts of it away one day at a time...i encounter information that sometimes stops in my tracks and just makes me wonder. It amazes me that people have worked so hard and condensed great concepts and progress in life to simple one-line formulas. Meanwhile, other writers use, with great care, meticulously chosen words to convey that...ah, we may never really understand.

So, as i write the section on the theoretical foundation of my dissertation study, i'm reading a lot about child development. In order to understand how parental incarceration affects children, i need to understand just how children grow in the context of their environments. One study presented it as simply as this...

"Development can be formulated as follows: Dt = f(t-p) (PE) (t-p)"

There you have it...that is development. Plug in time, person, environment...and we have development. I was amused by the simplicity of that statement.

Then...i take up another book and it appropriately opens with a quote from Emily Dickinson.

Growth of Man like growth
Of Nature
Gravitates within,
Atmosphere and sun confirms it
But it stirs alone.

And so, that is what i have learned about child development.

Johnson, E. (2008). Ecological systems and complexity theory: Toward an alternative model of accountability in education. Complexity: An International Journal of Complexity and Education, 5(1):1-10.
Crain, W. (2005). Theories of Development: Concepts and Applications, 5th Ed. Pearson Education, Inc.: Upper Saddle River, NJ.

to be fair...

2008-09-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

if Obama should appeal to anyone, it should be me. "Change we can believe in"...are you kidding me? i live in a fog of attempting to affect "change we can believe in"...i hope it's reality! Obama's message appeals to thousands of young professionals, like myself, that are discontent with the status quo, fed up with the way government has mishandled things for the past decades, and ready to really kick some ass back in shape. i mean, truly, i am so fed up with the current condition of our nation. In working with children and families wrecked by incarceration policies founded on faulty, unresearched premises during the 1980's, i am heartbroken that we only now consider their tremendous impact on children, families, and communities. Now that a child with an incarcerated parent has greater than a 50% chance of entering prison, we finally pay attention. i am outraged! We call ourselves a "Christian" nation, yet many European nations with socialist leanings have better programs for their prisoners and families of prisoners. Some European nations do not have this phenomenon that we call the "cycle of incarceration".

So, i digress. All of that to say...i believe change is needed. Yet...I also know that change is not instigated in speaking lofty ideals and telling us what we know needs to change. I have taken time to read through Obama's "Blueprint for Change". It's really pretty! Yet, i was saddened as i read further through the document...there was no information about how he intends to implement this change. It is a great marketing tool...it's pretty...it includes stuff about his plan for a "Google for Government". But, any of us could save up the money and hire a marketing person who could tell us how to snag the target population. He's targeting us - the young professionals - and we're falling for it.

as a doctorate of public health student, i'm particularly interested in his health care plan. yet...this is how he presents it:

"Obama will make available a new national health plan so all Americans, including the self-employed and small businesses, can buy affordable health coverage that is similar to the plan available to members of Congress."

That's it? That's how he introduces his phenomenal "new" health plan? Basically, he's just going to copy whatever health plan is "available to members of Congress"...one thing he's garnered from his short experience as a congressman, i gather. I read through the rest...surely i will read something i've not thought of...something we've not discussed in my doctorate classes as a solution! There was nothing new, nothing original, and no details about how he hopes to make his "new" plan happen. A "Blueprint" for change? I hope not. If it is, that means nothing is going to change. From my short, but in-depth experience in starting a not-for-profit business, I know that you need a lot more than good ideas to get something going. You have to have specific strategies, goals, action steps. You're not going to get anything done with a great vision...unless you can distill that vision into tangible service.

So, please friends...use your minds and do not be fooled. Realize that every word Obama speaks is carefully meditated with the intent of marketing to you in mind...of course it is going to sound good. but is he really showing reason and demonstrating that his ideas are feasible? Furthermore, he's not passionate about protecting the most vulnerable population of children on the planet - the unborn. How can we be sure he will advocate for us when we are vulnerable? And, he's not clear on his plans about Iraq...so far, it sounds like we're still going to be there through most of his 4 years if he becomes president.

i am not enthusiastic about our other choice for presidency either - fuel-guzzling, environmentally-unsensitive, Iraq-mired, ignoring middle-class, globally-dominate, same-old, same-old. but...i cannot trust that Obama truly wants change either...when he's so weak in demonstrating how he wants it. In the real world...such as the Tri-cities area, your hometown, etc...he would not get funding for a non-profit using his current stance. In the real world, he would actually have to have a plan to get people to...believe him.

Recognizing Our Choice

2008-09-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'

The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.'

(This story was sent to me by email...no author cited.)

as is

2008-09-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

i think the most important thing i have been reminded of lately is that I am God's.

i realize who i am, but sometimes the who i am doesn't mean much when i'm swallowed in the work that accompanies it. so, yes, i know i am a daughter of God, a friend, a woman... Yet, somehow, i began to sense that something was missing. This was accompanied by a fear that, in attempting to live life fully, somehow i might misunderstand, and thus, veer off and away from God. I began to question my readings of God's Word...is God saying this to me, personally, today? Or am I simply misconstruing his Word to fit my agenda? this began to knaw at my soul, wearing me down like the gradual shifting of sand under the constant ebb and flow of the tide. Reading his Word also became simply painful...will his promises ever be true to me, personally? why read them, when i will only get upset that these realities are not present in my life?

this is, in my opinion, a very slight taste of hell. It is the feeling of being apart from God and not being able to get back...even to access him. but i didn't even realize the weight of it all. It was not until a friend was speaking to me last week...telling me of her own journey...that i was hit with the truth of what was happening.

and in that moment, i was reminded of...whose i am.
i am God's...and he is a jealous God. i was reminded that God fights for me, pursues me, seeks me. I didn't realize how much i needed to know that he wants me. Amidst a culture that would have me believe otherwise, i was reminded that i am held and desired...by a love that will not let me go.

this is freedom...a freedom to be, to ask, to discover, to accept (as is!), to forgive, to love

One of those websites...

2008-09-12T16:09:00.000-07:00

because you need culture...and i don't have a moment to write. Enjoy your Friday! (i will be working.)

the metropolitan museum of art: Heilbrunn Timeline of Art

and...just so you know...i really, really want to go up to the Northeast when the leaves change this year. i'm serious. i may even just go by myself if no one else can come.

More thoughts from that discussion...

2008-09-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

i always arrive at this point when discussing the issue of national "security" and its seeming requirement of global dominance: what makes a nation truly great? While we try to "secure our borders" and kill all possible, suspected terrorists "out there before they come here", we have domestic policies that propogate cycles of violence, incarceration, and poverty. I think that the greatness of a nation begins with our communities. What daily actions are we willing to take to ensure that the defenseless in our own towns are cared for? What will we do to liberate those in bondage in our churches and families? I guess I have such little concern about our national security because I believe that the most powerful military in the world cannot help us if we aren't willing to invest in our own communities...to "build the old waste places;...raise up the foundations of many generations;...repair the breaches...restore the strees to dwell in."

thoughts about war/death, in a conversation with a friend

2008-09-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

War does not relieve the needy or take care of the widows or prisoners. Caring hands do that. Insecure borders are not the reason for poverty or suffering or even "weak" countries; mismanagement of resources, weak societal infrastructures and inadequate/warped policies are responsible for those things.

i am most impressed by the fact that Paul was a part of the people that were being oppressed by the Roman government, yet he could recognize God's hand in the suffering. It is very different when the sufferer recognizes God's hand as compared to the antagnostic party attributing its stance to the hand of God. In these situations, we Americans are not the sufferers...and that makes it very easy for us to simply attribute our works as God's will. perhaps it is...i will not try to judge it myself. but again, my Ukrainian Christian friends cannot comprehend this mindset at all.

but, i am very impressed that throughout the New Testament, we are called to endure the oppression, to endure the suffering, etc. Yet, so many of us Christians are hot and quick to slay anything that might bring suffering upon us...in the name of God. Yes, we are called to endure suffering and accept discipline, yet i am not aware of any New Testament scripture that gives us the freedom to impose death as punishment on others. The consistent message is that we are to endure it ourselves...and this is exactly the example Jesus gave us. He "was led like a lamb to slaughter", yet even he wouldn't cast the first stone on the adulteress...a sinner worthy of death according to the law.

i guess i would rather err on the side of safety and not kill...rather than support killing, believing i knew God's will, and find out later i misunderstood. i have personally seen faith, hope, and love transform killers...so, i cannot advocate killing in the name of faith, hope, and love.

Palin - the "woman" veep nomination (that's really a man)

2008-09-03T22:07:00.000-07:00

Palin is doing exactly what i have always thought a woman would have to do in order to make it into a White House bid on a Republican ticket: Act like a man.
Whatever is womanly about her is getting swallowed up in this macho, he-man approach that does nothing to stand up for women. A self-described hockey mom...doesn't sound like some i want putting my kids to bed. "Go to bed or else I will BODY-SLAM you into the wall!" This approach sends the ever-ringing message we've always heard - you have to act like a man to be successful. In my book, if you want to be considered successful...really do it, like a woman. Do it with grace, gentleness...do it with the attributes that characterize millions of women. Don't just let lipstick and stilletos be your definition of womanhood.

yet still...
how the media is so arbitrary in its moral judgments continues to blow my mind. Have you heard? Palin's 17 year old daughter is preggo! Scandal? really?? How about Bill Clinton committing adultry in the Oval Office...that's more my idea of a scandal but the media glossed right over that one! Knowing how my own family went through similar rediculousness with my sister's pregnancy, i'm just rolling my eyes. I cannot believe it's even an issue considering the overall moral stance of today's society...even today's churches!

2008-09-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

let's go.

A Hurricane Story

2008-08-31T21:00:00.000-07:00

Perhaps going through Hurricane Hugo at the impressionable age of 9 or 10 has left an impression of the adventure of enduring a hurricane (or, rather a major tropical storm). I still get the same funny feeling in my stomach that I had at that age of 9 whenever I see reports of another major hurricane approaching the nation. Hurricane Hugo was quite an adventure. My dad worked 3rd shift in those days and was unable to drive his car because of all the downed trees. He borrowed a bicycle from a kind stranger and rode a bike home through a tropical storm - through all the rain and wind. We would later tease him as being the Wicked Witch of the East...riding her bike through the tornado. hehe But, even later, i am amazed! That was an incredible thing to do!

Even though Hurricane Hugo was downgraded to a tropical storm when it reached my house, it still blew in those early morning hours with the ferocity of having just been a major hurricane hours before. I remember waking up while it was still dark...hearing the wind slamming against our little house and it shuttering so slightly in response. Mom was already up and eventually all of us kids ended up on the couch in the livingroom. We would spend most of the day there watching the storm out of the large front window. As the light of day grew, we watched the rain and wind blowing all the trees sideways. Tornados spun about my neighborhood...jumping and shaving the tops of the pine trees just down the street from our house. It's a miracle our little double-wide didn't get hit. For years, though, we would drive by the hundreds of pine tree stubs...persistant reminders of the storm. After a full day of wind and rain, the storm gave way to a beautiful, clear night. I remember the stars being so bright. The power was out, and would be for a week, but getting to use candles and oil lamps made me feel that i really did live in a little house on the praire. All the neighbors congregated at my house that night as we had a huge cook-out to eat the meat that would go bad in warm refrigerators. I remember all of us kids running around about the yard; the adults huddled togther, discussing the storm.

For years, we would play on the fallen trees in the woods far behind our house. And for years later, even now, i feel the ominous feeling of expectation and fear when i see the images of yet another powerful hurricane about to make landfall. prayers go out for those in the path of Gustav.

michelle's blog

2008-08-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

my friend michelle claims that she is only a math person. and, she does take a lot of math classes that I would never want to take! But she's imaginative and I think she should try writing.

a couple weeks ago, i was able to be home for church and a church picnic/baptism that evening. i wasn't sure about going...i have really detested how few single young professionals come to my church. But, i learned that michelle and julie and a few others were going - so, it'd be safe to go. I wouldn't be the only one there without kids running around!

So, i made it out there...and immediately was really glad. It was a gorgeous day - brilliant blue skies, a gentle breeze. i walked down the long pathway to the pavilion at Warrior's Path State Park...just wishing i had brought my fishing pole as i looked at the clear, blue skies reflecting off the surface of the lake. In the distance, i could see kids and some of the older boys throwing balls around.

Easily joining into conversation upon arrival, i was introduced to new people going to my church and realized i might have made some new friends. After the baptism, i pulled out my space-age looking chair and just enjoyed watching the boys, guys, and some of the ladies play a little baseball. Little children were running aimlessly about the field amidst the dashing players. A few times the ball was hit "out of the stadium" into the lake...but it was light plastic and floated on the water's surface. This led to a little bit of splashing water on unsuspecting individuals. A few times, certain persons were very nearly overpowered and dragged into the lake. I just sat and laughed...and enjoyed relaxing after the hectic past couple weeks.

my friend Michelle mentioned at the end of the evening that she believed that a blog was in the makings. I was really confused...I had not thought to blog those moments at all. but...that evening was truly beautiful and a great time to describe and share. So, i concluded that Michelle...as much as she protests...just might be more of a little writer than she realizes!

balmorhea

2008-08-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

This is my current favorite music, of which i have not grown tired, despite incessant replays throughout the past few months. Click on the image to get to their website and sample...or you can always visit their myspace. awesomo.

Words for Today from Distant Yesteryears

2008-08-18T19:26:00.000-07:00

i am a lover of old things...especially old books. I love reading the different ways people have communicated through writing over the years. I love the old words, phrases, and mindsets that are discovered in old books. So...this week, I'm spending a few nights with a new friend that I have met here in Nashville on the Big Brothers Big Sisters staff. In the guest room, I immediately noticed an antique book shelf (the kind with the glass doors that you pull up and slide inside in order to open). On the top, my friend has a gigantic family Bible that weighs about as much as my suitcase...filled, it was printed in the late 1800's. It's a pictoral family Bible...absolutely fascinating, but also quite fragile. Inside the bookshelf, I noticed a few tiny books, small enough to fit in the palm of my hand. One is a friendship book - someone had a bunch of people write her notes, apparently at the end of school, sometime in the 1920's. Another tiny book caught my eye with its elaborate gold engraving on what used to be a white cover. It was titled "Advice to a Married Couple"...inside, in characteristic penmanship, was written, "Presented to Mrs. Charlotte .... on the morning of her marriage. February 20, 1868 by ....". I peeked inside this also fragile book and read some really beautiful thoughts that are so relevant...to today's society and concerns, to my own personal thoughts and desires, and to my own deep convictions about my work, society, and community. So, I share them with you...

"Smaller communities are the nurseries of larger ones. At a certain time of life a transplantation is made, and the larger field of society takes its character from those qualities which were brought into it from the little inclosures of family life. You are therefore not to consider yourselves merely as two friends who have agreed to share each other's trials or enjoyments; but as the founders of a little community of rational and immortal creatures, who may hereafter found other small communities, and from whom, in process of time, a multitude may spring. To this multitude, stationed here and there according to the allotments of divine Providence, you may give a cast of character, the influence of which may be matter of pleasure or of pain, both to themselves and those with whom they are connected, long after you have ceased to act in the present scene."

From The Christian Minister's Affectionate Advice to a Married Couple by Rev. James Bean, A.M.

401st Post

2008-08-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

this is post #401. i went through and counted...

a day off

2008-08-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

So, things went along more quickly than expected in Nashville this week, so I got to come home a day early. Since things have been going at a maddening pace lately, I decided that I would use part of today to rest.

The alarm went off about 8:30 am or so. It's NPR...a woman is reporting a story about the rising number of mothers in prison. She goes on to highlight a program where babies get to live with their moms at a prison, i believe, in Ohio.

I just couldn't believe it. On my day off, that is the story that is on when the alarm radio goes off. What am I to do...just lay there?! Why? I wondered. Was God trying to say something to me? Of all the topics in the world being covered on public radio this morning, why was that the story that was on to jolt my brain awake this morning? I truly feel now that I cannot get away from this topic and this work, even if I want to!

At the same time, I am working a lot...and what else can I do? There is a lot to do, but I know that I can't take on much more until I finish what's already on my plate. I do wish for other people that would like to come along and get involved in whichever way fits them best. It could be offering Financial Peace to inmates or just released offenders. It could be helping provide a re-entry program for men or for moms. It could be helping provide Celebrate Recovery to juveniles involved with the Juvenile Justice system. It could be visiting with the families inside the prison...mentoring a child with a parent in prison...or providing art lessons to a child affected by incarceration. There's so much to do...for so many of us who have different talents and different passions. Yet, I can't make this happen. I'm trying to finish my dissertation...and trying to figure out what to do with that!!! So, I wonder what will happen...if others will come along to help...or if these people will continue to struggle alone. Not that no one is doing anything...in this work, I've come across so many generous, compassionate people that are doing what they can to help. Yet, I write what I've written because there's so much more to be done. There are still many that are without advocates and without help.

I really think we're all links in the chain of life. We all have to pull our weight and bear the strain of the purpose of our lives which will, in turn, contribute to the order and survival of civilization. In areas where we see break-down and chaos, i often wonder if it isn't partly due to our failure to do our part.

Just some things to consider. and i hope you all are inspired to action.

from the 3rd floor looking out on the city...

2008-08-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

what a crazy, crazy week...past few weeks. i'm so tired, but content as well. i feel like i've gotten to know Nashville quite well...all the highways and the byways. but, as i was driving through town to my hotel which is downtown...i realized that i know more about the project areas than i do the social scene. but the idea of walking around downtown alone at night was unappealing. so, i'm enjoying my night in the hotel, alone. it's a nicer hotel than earlier this week, so i'm able to take easy here a little more. i'm not bracing for a roach or anything like that!

so, i'm wanting to write a chit-chatty blog...absolutely boring. let's just hit the highlights.

i'm checking out the JCrew wedding attire...for ideas of a gown for Katherine's wedding. it's quite exciting to be in a wedding of someone who wants to make gowns for a living...so, she's wanting to make our bridesmaids dresses - we can pick any shade of green, and we can pick the style. i'm so excited that she wants to do a kind of Audrey Hepburnish/Jackie'O look for me. i'm just so excited to get a dress made - it will be a treasure forever!

some ideas...

I like the full skirt of this dress. i have a skirt that has a hint of that fullness...but i get too self-conscious to wear it in Johnson City. I keep it in my closet...it's a great emerald green, cotton skirt. i really think it used to be an old camp uniform!

and these are two dresses from the current JCrew catalogue that i like. i'm not sure about the length, though, if i should keep it that length or go above the knee??? i'm also thinking about a high boat neck with a drop in the back...it ends up giving a fun, flapperish look.

and...dissertation update...my sample is possibly 50% recruited...the final numbers will be in tomorrow. Still...50% isn't quite enough. so, yes, i cannot believe it, i will be driving back to Nashville next week! i knew this project wasn't going to be easy, but i didn't anticipate 4 straight weeks in nashville. i should get an apartment!

ugh, midnight. time for sleep. tomorrow...i'll be in the sam levy projects handing out more backpacks! hope to see some of you again soon...perhaps this weekend. otherwise...man, i am loving not being in johnson city! isn't life crazy?!

CST

2008-08-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

back in nashville and camping out at a hotel in the metrocenter area. it's not bad. it's my first hotel stay alone. again, not bad.

well, once again, i wanted to give an update, but i'm exhausted. let's just hit the highlights:

- wonderful time with family at Aunt Mary's - seeing Jennifer and Michelle was the best! i'm amazed at all the little children running around! it was also good to spend time at home with my fam!

- 33% of my sample has responded...not bad for this population. but more work needs to be done! i've really enjoyed calling just about everyone in the projects of Nashville and touching base about this study. it's like a whole 'nother world!

- 3 events are lined up for giving out backpacks to kids this weekend - my car is sagging to the ground with all the bookbags and school supplied ready to be stuff and handed out. i'm most concerned about 1. having enough kids come and 2. having volunteers and 3. finding a place to stuff the backpacks.

- i am not sure why i even am interested in having a boyfriend, when trying to relate to guys just seems to be so difficult.

- i feel like i need help with my dissertation. it's a bigger deal than some people's dissertation, but still i feel the pressure to do it all myself. but, i can't...but i don't know who in Nashville to ask for help. i don't have enough organization or leverage.

- and i feel sad that i haven't gotten to see Melissa and Craig's boys yet. i'm sure they are the best!

there you have it. exhausted.

another update, interrupted

2008-07-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

i'd like to give you all another update, but it's raining and i want to go to sleep to the sound of rain pattering on my window.

an update

2008-07-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

after jotting this quickly, i look forward to a restful night of sleep. today was a big day!

around 4 pm, I got a call from my DOC friend Richard who had someone in his office for me to chat with on the phone. The director of the Tennessee area for Prison Fellowship was on the other end. She was very willing to help supply me with volunteers and a photographer for my dissertation events. wow! it is so exciting to be partnered with Prison Fellowship for my dissertation! what an fantastic phone call.

i got off and, out of habit, checked my email. My contact from IRB had written back...my project was approved unconditionally! i was screaming, laughing outloud, yes, in my house, alone. i was so excited.

perhaps an hour later, i got an email (i do love my blackberry) as I sat waiting at Sushi Blues with Melissa and Craig, who were up for eating sushi and "celebrating" this step forward in this tedious dissertation process. my 200 backpacks from Office Depot have been shipped to Nashville and are ready for delivery! my incentives are ready to go!

So, i am still amazed how things just poured into place today...why do things happen this way, i do not understand. but, i am thankful. i am so thankful.

now, i can't wait to begin!

the 10 things on my mind in a moment

2008-07-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

i am...

.1 waiting to figure out how to import this blog into another...so i can finally give karen the blog URL that is rightfully hers.

.2 thinking you should definitely check out the pics on Karen's latest blog...she is such an amazing photographer! http://vibrantlight.blogspot.com/2008/07/day-away-from-camp.html

.3 hoping something progresses with IRB concerning the dissertation.

.4 looking forward to a very good sleep tonite since the body is still achy from last night's run!

.5 excited for Katherine and really am enjoying going over her wedding planning thus far!

.6 liking the layout of Blogger in draft.

.7 wondering about mom's news today that my brother is talking of a wedding for next year. whoa...whew.

.8 praying for safety and good things for my sister and precious little nephew zandie.

.9 thankful today's meetings with the banks for Families Free went so well.

.10 wondering....how soon i may be able to afford a return to the Westglow Spa...or i could settle for this...

a moment of clarity

2008-07-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

puzzles coming together, jagged edges finally finding their piece. the first question at the beginning quieted by the answer at the end...an unexpected progression. we think God isn't listening, that he hears not our prayers. i'm continually amazed when i am given the grace to understand a way that he has worked in my life.

i told karen that i somehow came to the conclusion last week or so that Jesus is the only one who cares for me the way i want someone to care for me. i say this gingerly, with the carefulness of a wounded one. It's an obvious statement; it is a truth not easily learned. i learned it in the face of doubt and unbelief. i learned it while questioning whether God really cared about me and what i do. i learned it by testing ways of life i never dared to try. i learned it through saying that my current relationship with him was no longer enough. my present understanding could not withstand the weight of time...the progression of life. i must know him more and better, or discover him to be a fake.

it was a difficult time. i felt that my heart was either going to fall out of my chest or stop beating altogether. tears, uncontrollable, falling all the time. yet, going back was not an option. i could not go back to the way i was....the way we were...there had to be more.

i do not understand how to reach the end of a trial or a difficult time of transformation. i do try my hardest to reach this place as soon as i can. yet, it comes between periods of wondering how easily and callously God seems to slay us...and a moment of quiet, consuming surrender. not an "i surrender all" emotional-high moment...a wordless giving of self, heaving it up and away to God for him to simply do as he wishes - quick tears rush, fall, and disappear with the pain of the last tearing away.

and then comes the understanding. the learning of doctrine and wisdom. knowledge of self and what really happened becomes clear - God's righteous and loving role clarified. the questions and doubt, unbelief are blown away with his presence. i finally understand where i am...why...and even some of what God is speaking to my heart. and i no longer call him Master.

fav pics of the week

2008-07-02T20:06:00.000-07:00

mom & dad on their 30th anniversary trip to Alaska! mom's swallowed in the clothing...and i hardly recognized dad in all the layers!! looks like they're having fun. i love them!

happy to report that mom survived the polar bear attack! after 6 kids, i think she can handle anything! ;)

i think mom took this pic from the plane - fabulous!

and of course, i can't resist posting a Zandie pic! here, he's lovin' his mom!

desert camping.

2008-06-30T21:48:00.000-07:00

In this journey we call life, there are all kinds of questions we will ponder and mysterious events we will yearn to understand. dichotomies, to the point of seeming to be contradictions... the A versus the B...yet we seem to need a delicate balance of both. Those of us caught in the middle, i believe, sit together and muse, wonder, question, listen...perplexed, we just want to get things right and not waste time chasing futile ideologies.

i'm grateful for the people God has put in my life that are faithfully walking the road of questions with me. i have embarked from my safe childhood and begun this perplexing pursuit of truth and fulfillment chasing this Jesus, this God, Jehovah, Lord of the universe. Holy and humble. Omniscient and questioning. To love and fear (yet there is no fear in love!?). Provider and pruner. Master and servant. OT and NT. Beginning and end. I've begun to sense the assurance that i can realize the truth of my heart's condition - weak, faithless, and unbelieving. And, i can hardly believe that He continues with me...though i feel so completely that He has brought me to this place. I was following Him...chasing Him...seeking His will...here I am - more unsure than i ever was.

i don't like uncertainty. i don't like not being able to pin something, someone, some concept down and say "YOU'RE WRONG!!" perhaps they are or it is...but today, i'm not sure that their wrongness won't play a greater part or even a greater good than for me to squelch them in attempt to appease my discomfort. Yet, what do i do with this discomfort? What do i do with this uneasy feeling I have...that something is not right and I know not how to make amends?

My good friend Lisa is one of those who lets me ask the questions and isn't afraid to walk along side...and wonder with me. And, she shared with me something she heard this weekend that brought some peace to my soul. That God led the Israelites into the desert...into the wilderness. And He led them out. I feel that i am in the wilderness...camping out majorly...i don't see civilization and haven't seen any for the past few months. a caravan or two have come along (and i think a crazy carnival has passed too). Yet, ultimately, i find myself alone...staring at long, vacant stretches of desert land. I find it beautiful, at times, and marvel at how I can see any beauty in such a barran, desolate place. I find life thriving and reproducing when i am still and focused enough to look for it. Water and food to sustain life are in the most unexpected places. the lonely howls and whistles of the hot winds over and through the dunes have become my company. silence is the friend that encourages my pensive thoughts. i am familiar with the landscape. i begin to love it. i notice its every alteration.

yet, i desire to leave the wilderness, to be in a place where all that i feel i lack is plenty. so, honestly...i try to figure it out. maybe it's the area, this region. maybe it's my church. maybe it's never ending school finally getting the absolute best of me. maybe it's that so many of my friends are either moving away or having families. maybe... perhaps... So, i try this...that...the pro and the con. kaput. swish. slam-dunk. nosedive. face plant. brick.

so i roll my favorite stump out to the front of my tent that faces the horizon. sit down...sink, rather, into a slump. the bright afternoon sun fades quickly into dusk. The raging orange ball in the sky sinks so low that i can stare at it. the shadows grow longer...my eyes are on fire and the landscape begins to glow. everything is beautiful. then the stars begin to twinkle...twirling to take their place in the shapes that adorn the sky. in such beauty, you cannot help but be at peace. the grandeur encompasses the greatness of your concerns. i am at rest and would stay motionless the whole night through. only the dampness of the evening settles...and the cool of the night chases me indoors.

curious.

2008-06-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

Rules: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they?re not any good, but they must be songs you?re really enjoying now, shaping your summer.

Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they?re listening to.

1. Lament - Balmorhea (Rivers Arms)
{actually...i love all the songs on this album, particularly The Summer, The Winter, Greyish Tapering Ash, Baleen Morning, Context, Divisadero, Limmat, Theme No. 1, Windansea, San Solomon-reprise}

2. Detlef Schremph - Band of Horses (Cease to Begin)

4. No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses (Cease to Begin)

3. M79 - Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)

4. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend (Vampire Weekend)

5. Shelter - Ray LaMontagne (Trouble)

6. Woman King - Iron & Wine (Woman King - EP)

7. 0048/0729 - Olafur Arnalds (Arnalds: Eulogy for Evoluation)

Tag, you're it! i want to know what's playin' for you! Jules C., Karen!, Roomie, Megan L., Julie R., Kelly H., Mitzi

it's been a while...

2008-06-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

venting...

2008-06-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

guys, this dissertation is about to get the best of me. i am so frustrated by not being able to get the details together. i just need a little bit of help...like, $2,000 or $3,000 for incentives - piece of cake! impossible for me. it's so daunting that i feel afraid that i will not be able to do it. and then i won't graduate. and i won't get to move. and i won't ever meet a guy, get married, or have a family. suddenly, i go from not having incentives to....my whole life is falling apart before my eyes. being a girl!

but, i did enjoy seeing Princess Bride at the lake tonight with Erica and Ryan Griffin and the highschool kids there. and i'm so tickled that my gladiolas are blooming again (i did nothing for them!!!) and i get to see the blooms (last summer i was in Ukraine!). and i got a fabulous CD from Karen in the mail yesterday and today (Sam Amidon and Balmorhea).

so, i appreciate the sweet little things...and think perhaps a little sleep may be what i really need.

Sweet Sixteen

2008-06-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

happy 16th, Emily!

i look forward to having kids, one day, because of you.

i still remember the day you came home from the hospital...getting to hold you for the first time sitting on the edge of mom and dad's bed. you were soooo tiny. i was so proud that I had come up with your name "Emily Anne" and that mom and dad had really gone for it! (although i wanted to spell the "Anne" without an "e". mom wanted the "e"!)

i remember babysitting you long nights while mom and dad worked at the church...rocking you in the wooden rocking chair late at night. I finally learned to put on the "Sleep Sound in Jesus" tape when you wouldn't sleep...it always did the trick! i remember babysitting you one night when you had a high fever. i remember watching you so intently...you were breathing so shallow and quick...your skin hot to the touch. the night i accidently let you fall, mom was furious with me. i cried the whole evening...couldn't eat dinner. i remember distinctly the tears mixing in with the hamburger i tried to swallow.

i remember how you would sit at the table for hours because you didn't want to eat. you lived on cereal. cereal and sugar. you still would now, i believe! ;)

i remember throwing you around in the air, playing... you loved it! and parking you in front of the tv to watch The Sound of Music and the West Side Story those days Mama went to class in Boone. i remember when you were 2...and finally able to do things i asked. one day, when you were 2, you helped me water the flowers outside. i remember thinking that "terrible twos" didn't make any sense...you were so sweet! (it was "terrible threes" actually!) ;)

when Mama went back to teaching, you went down to Aunt Dot's during the day. she took you on so seriously - loved you so much. since she lost little Angelina during the wreck about the time you were born, it meant a lot to us. during that time, there was this unspoken understanding that you were a part of both families.

i remember wondering what kind of a personality you would have...what kind of a person you would be. you were always a little aloof...kind of a mystery. Now, that's a part of your personality.

i remember when you first visited me at college...down at Elon...particularly the day i came home from class and you were not in my dorm room! i remember your first visit up here in Johnson City. my classmates and professor still ask about you sometimes. You were so different then! you didn't care how you looked, you were an animal fanatic, and you wanted to be a vet. i remember the day the hamster you got from Jenni died...how sad you were. i remember putting the cloth i crocheted over the little guy and mom orchestrating a proper burial.

i can't remember the exact night, but a seemingly over-night change happened when you began to "grow up". In one night, it seemed, you put the pet rabbit in the basement, bought a sparkly pocket-book, and said you wanted to be an actress. it was hilarious that your area of expertise was "dying scenes".

i'm so proud of who you are today...and the young woman you're becoming. you've got the best personality - everyone in the family loves to hang around you. you've got compassion and a willingness to help others. you're tender toward children (i remember how much you love little Will!) and you are accepting of others despite their differences. you're easy-going enough to make everyone feel comfortable in their own skin. you're independent, yet you care about relationships. you're fun-loving, real with yourself and others, and willing to admit your own short-comings. i find these all to be such great characteristics. and i look forward to growing and moving forward together in this crazy time we call life.

i'm just so thankful that God allowed you to be my sister...my littliest sister (that is taller than me, for the record!) :)

love you more than i ever thought i could love anyone,

m~

that becomes you

2008-06-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

i think maybe the moment when we truly begin to grow and become who we really are is the moment when we stop saying, "i can do that." and begin saying, "i can do that?" and do it!

the things i dare to do because i now dream i could possibly do them are the things that make me so glad to be alive. no longer do i desire the arrogance and boredom from only sticking with the things in which i am sure to succeed. yet, sometimes we just need someone or something to prick our awareness and suggest to our feeble minds, that yes, you could do that.

kareoke at church...that's right, no alcohol involved!

2008-06-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

i don't know. it just does something to your psyche to see the whole pastoral staff of your church on a stage doing kareoke to "Lean on Me"...then, the elder board doing kareoke to James Taylor's You've Got a Friend! i'd yet to see my church be so goofy...and it was actually kind of comforting (obviously, certain personalities weren't there! old friends, you know who i mean, right?). but what leveled the whole night off was seeing this sweet, little, old Philippino lady up there singing her heart out! So cute, and so amusing! especially when she decided to LAY ON THE STAGE and sing. she either thought she was Marilyn Monroe for a moment...or someone seriously spiked her iced tea! i'm so going to be like that when i'm an old lady!

and that, my friends, was the highlight of my day.

the end.d\\

yello!

2008-06-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

HELLO WORLD OUT THERE!

everyday that i've journaled lately, i've ended my entries with "remember the big picture" or "remember the grand scheme". being in a small town...it's so easy to get sucked into this awful, depressing small town bubble which reeks of no diversity, limited culture, an assortment of cliques, no hopes of boyfriends, and the ever present feeling of trying to escape the label you have been assigned.

I always get so sad when i inadvertantly slip into the small town mindset. I may be too busy to check out CNN International and too poor to escape to Asheville. After a short lapse of time, i find myself thinking..."is this all there is?" i am really just going to be here for absolutely the rest of my life?

now, please hear me. this is the girl that couldn't wait to grow up so she could be out in the world facing new adventures. my mom would get her feelings so hurt. I never meant I wasn't happy with my family or my home, i just craved new experiences and new things and new people. and, so, even now. i love my work with Families Free - and with Lisa and the whole gang of folks helping us get that off the ground. i love my church. i love the friends that God has given me here that faithfully walk every day with me along this crazy journey. So, i never mean that i find them insufficient (except, let's be honest, the whole boyfriend thing is not sufficient). but! that's like, a whole blogsite of its own...let's call it...ohh... "Abstinance in the Country"? ;)

but, back to my current thought. i was so in the bubble...and so dying from it...and was really quite convinced that God did not care. i was immobilized inside by it. yet, i have to confess that i was proven very wrong. this past weekend, i was given an amazing time with one of my oldest and favoritest friends, Katherine. she and i went shopping at Shoppes on the Parkway (yea for the new JCrew!) and enjoyed this amazing, soul-changing hour-long facial at the WestGlow Spa. (I have not been able to bend my neck this far since college!) talk about changing my perspective. the small town bubble was burst! i recalled a world out there...people, culture, life. and even better, i felt apart of it. i know i was at the mercy of God's hand, yet instead of being exacting and demanding, He was gracious and gave beyond my imagination. what i begun to plan for myself inside the bubble, He burst...but then He gave me hope. Hope of a life and blessings of comfort and healing.

So, with my new perspective, i bought a new headband with a decidedly flapperish flair and wore it to church. (or, according to Katherine, it could worn for a hippyish, burn-the-bra look. i took the flapperish route for church.) for me, it was just my declaration of an acknowledgement of a world beyond the small town...that I am really quite a sojourner here. and making this declaration at church, i felt, was appropriate as 1) we really are just sojourners here and 2) i felt that God had orchestrated my arrival to this realization. One of my favorite girls there, Amy, then commented that i looked as if i was ready to change the world. and at that comment, i was then ready to...

ssssiiiiiiinnnnnggggaahh hhahhaaghkkk!!! ohh!

places to go...

2008-06-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

I do love Travel and Leisure magazine!

Psalm 33

2008-06-03T09:18:00.000-07:00

listening to this being sung in Russian...it's amazing how your soul will respond to the truth even when your ears cannot comprehend. And, here are the words to comprehend.

Rejoice in the LORD, O you righteous!
For praise from the upright is beautiful.
Praise the LORD with the harp;
Make melody to Him with an instrument of ten strings.
Sing to Him a new song;
Play skillfully with a shout of joy.

For the word of the LORD is right,
And all His work is done in truth.
He loves righteousness and justice;
The earth is full of the goodness of the LORD.

By the word of the LORD the heavens were made,
And all the host of them by the breath of His mouth.
He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap;
He lays up the deep in storehouses.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.

The LORD brings the counsel of the nations to nothing;
He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever,
The plans of His heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
The people He has chosen as His own inheritance.

The LORD looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men.
From the place of His dwelling He looks
On all the inhabitants of the earth;
He fashions their hearts individually;
He considers all their works.

No king is saved by the multitude of an army;
A mighty man is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is a vain hope for safety;
Neither shall it deliver any by its great strength.

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,
To deliver their soul from death,
And to keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart shall rejoice in Him,
Because we have trusted in His holy name.
Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us,
Just as we hope in You.

I am listening to Selected Chants of the Russian Orthodox Church - Monks Choir of Kiev Pechersk Monastery.

personal responsibility

2008-06-02T10:15:00.000-07:00

so, this is not a political spill...although it may begin to sound like one. but read thoroughly and don't jump to conclusions.

but i was listening to Obama giving a talk on CNN while i was sitting and working on Families Free projects at home today. He starts railing about how millions of Americans don't have health insurance...yes, i'm one of them...and his implication is that the government, under his command, would provide that health insurance.

sounds good, eh? he goes on to talk about several other things the American citizen "deserves"...while never stating how those things are going to be provided...it's implied. he needs to clarify just how much that's going to cost the American citizen before we stand up cheering. that's going to cost a whole lot more money than we have!

but, i'm one of those without health insurance. A plan through a regular HMO or such would absolutely break me. i'm way below the poverty line! but, have i really investigated health insurance options? Have I really tried to get health insurance? the answer...no. i'm a lazy American...counting on good health and betting my klutziness/stupidity won't put me in the hospital. I've thought about a HSA - health savings account. I've thought about the Christian health care plans. But, I've taken no steps to ensure healthcare coverage.

While it'd be convenient for the government to just hand me some health insurance, i could be a more responsible citizen and do what I can to get my own insurance without the help of the government. and i'd be living my beliefs...not just preaching them.

So, i'm investigating Christian Healthcare Ministries which embodies what i believe that the church can and should step in and work together to provide for needs instead of depending on the government to do so. and I'm excited to be moving forward in this area...instead of allowing that worry to persist in the back of my mind.

We can change...and it doesn't have to take the government or a presidential candidate to facilitate that!

waiting on an appointment...

2008-06-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

soo, i'm interested in going to see Sex in the City. it's a movie. It looks fun..."thirty, flirty, and thriving"... but i'm not sure. my life's more like Abstinance in the Country. yeah, it's a basically a nightmare.

;)

a playhouse and sour apples

2008-05-28T22:09:00.000-07:00

my lifelong friend (and the only friend i can call that) Julie D., now C., and I were reminiscing this evening. We were thinking back to when we were 4, 5, 6. boy, my memory that far back is hazy! but, we were able to recall a few things.

Our conversation sparked a memory of how much i loved playing in a certain little playhouse around that age. it was in the back yard of an older woman named "Mrs. Alexander" who went to our church. she was strict, yet, very invested in us children. i remember one day she was leading us in exercises at school in the "old" building in Lenoir, NC. Now, i would realize that a person is out of shape if they're breathing that hard, but then I was just awed into exercising harder. i did aim to please.

but, anyhow, Mrs. Alexander had a fascinating playhouse in her backyard. I remember being mesmerized. it was just the perfect size! and there were dishes and everything! i loved cleaning it and straightening everything up...although it was already in order. i remember one day, though, almost getting in trouble for getting too carried away in "mopping"...i.e., flooding the playhouse. i was also enchanted by being able to run around to the sour apple tree and pick a few apples to take back to the house "for dinner".

little did i know there were seeds of loving Martha Stewart magazines being planted just then. and recalling this just helps me to be okay with my own present desires of having my own, now truly life-sized little house...to arrange dishes in and mop (hopefully, not to flood!). it's a desire that's been there...all along.

2008-05-23T15:09:00.000-07:00

yup!

2008-05-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

it is not a must to know everything. we mustn't have everything figured out. yet, it could be helpful to know some things.

sometimes it's hard to see things if we don't know what we're looking for. sometimes we forget how to deal...and end up struggling in vain. so, it could be helpful for us to know ourselves a little bit.

lately, i've had two things on my mind. oh, much more than that, i assure you, but i will spare you. only the two.

a group of girls assembled at my house tonight to watch the last American Idol of the season. our beloved, so amazingly hot rocker guy favorite David Cook won. uh huh.

well, except Flash was disappointed and Shauna didn't care. anyhow, afterward, we sat chatting and the news weather update came on. The record low for tonight was 37 degrees in 2002. immediately, i'm remembering that i was somewhere in North Carolina that night in 2002. and in going around the room, we discover...Kim was in Michigan, Shauna was in Pennsylvania, Flashley was in Kentucky, and Amanda was in Virginia. Yet, tonight, six whole years later, there we sat in a room together screaming about American Idol together. it was just amazing to me.

and secondly...

i've been unconsciously, but obviously now consciously, pondering the importance of knowing the things that have had a profound influence on you over the years. what songs have awoken your soul? what movies have shaped your perspective? what books have motivated you to action? knowing these things is not only fun, but could help us know ourselves better.

I know that i have avoided recognizing these things, because i thought that acknowledging their influence showed evidence of my weaknesses. the song that first made me ponder being in love...i wanted to avoid because i wasn't sure i would ever experience that love. so...i kept it safe. i openly loved the things that gave no evidence of my true desires. i would simply harbor the truth in my soul and in the deeper recesses of my heart.

yet, God would not have me live such a miserable and masked life. He knows that keeping those things tucked away would warp them and turn them into poison. so, He's opening doors and inviting me to recognize the truths of who i am and what makes me alive. He's teaching me to see how He made me and how He's redeemed me. I'm re-learning some things and learning for the first time how to accept and enjoy some of the ways I am made...and some of the desires i have carried for all these years. that aren't wrong. that are redeemed. than can be filled by Him. that can be good.

i survived today

2008-05-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

...and yes, i wasn't too certain i would.

Starting a non-profit and working on a dissertation means that I don't have the normal social circles that many folks have. I don't "go" to work anywhere. There is just a ton of it to do...in whatever location is most conducive for working that day. So...I don't have the normal clock-in/clock-out, mundane corporate job. and i love this...it's such a match with my personality. Yet, this also means that I don't have co-workers...boss...etc. and, i do miss the comradery that comes from having folks that you interact with day-in and day-out. I find myself really lonely at the end of the day sometimes. So...i appreciate seeing folks i know during the day, and getting phone calls, because otherwise, i just might not speak with or see anyone.

Over the past couple weeks, since classes finished, i have gotten to spend more time than usual just hanging out with folks: game nights (always hilarious). movie nights. fire-pit nights (my favorite!). These have been such fantastic times after this last grueling semester. I feel that i finally reconnected with myself. I noted that today as i walked up the stairs to Lamb Hall where my department resides. Normally, walking up those stairs, i feel a blanket of stress fall over me. it's the weight of expectations, necessity of success, advancement, and this unspoken requirement of dedicating your entire life to study and academic achievement. Yet, today, i felt...like me. I simply nodded my head to expected successes and educational requirements, while walking with the knowledge of who i really am and who i hope to be. I attribute this to these past few weeks of getting "away" and reconnecting with society, friends, my neighbors, roommates, myself, and God.

i do dread re-entering the process of continuing to write on my dissertation. As Billy Joel (according to Bobby) once said, "the rock and roll hall of fame can't hug you back". I absolutely know what he means - my dissertation cannot hug me back. my computer is quite uncomfortable to embrace. So, i just pray that God will continue to help me maintain a balance...to provide all that i need - mentally, physically, socially, and spriritually.

and, through it all, i am so grateful from the deepest places of my heart, to be doing the work i have been given...and working with the children and families i have been called to for this time.

We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and to be loved." - Mother Teresa

family...

2008-05-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

my sweet brothers with my little nephew...
family is good.

a girl.

2008-05-15T10:47:00.000-07:00

in my ears...LaMontagne singing, "be here now".

in my eyes...friendly smiles of folks walking by, an overcast sky, green, my work

in my hands...a big cup of Americano, computer keys, freshly cut hair...feels so smooth

in my mouth...cranberries, Americano

in my nose...haha!!!! (i was going to cover all the senses!)

in my words...worries, laughter, gratitude, prayers

in my heart...continual resolve to be who i am, to love others, to love freely, to live fearlessly

Zander's First Piano Lesson...

2008-05-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

pretty sure...

2008-05-11T21:43:00.000-07:00

i am pretty much a screw-up. i mess things up all the time. i'm just amazed that some things are still working...some relationships are still functioning...some situations are still happening. So...since i am so famously messing things up...being a complete dork or loser about one thing or another, i have arrived at a certain peace. the idea came during a difficult time in my life a few years ago...and i'm not too big on really supernatural things anymore. but all through the night one night when i had made a big decision to be carried out the next day, a statement kept coming to my mind as i slept: you cannot lose the things God has for you.

During that time, i was focused on the "you cannot lose"; but, i've since realized that my peace lies in the "God has for you".

i'm tempted tonight to worry...to lose the peace i have from just resting in God's strong orchestrating abilities. i am tempted to intervene...to put forth effort in helping a situation...to meddle. but, i feel that to do so, i would mess up the natural progression, force the premature or risk losing altogether. there's a time for everything - even the things on my heart - and i am willing to give a little more time to ensure that all parties involved are ready, mature, willing, and poised to move into the things i hope will happen. i rest in the knowledge that God knows the desires of my heart. and He has great, great love.

and...if all else fails, this is sure to make you smile. what a cute little man he is!!!!

2008-05-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Words from my amazing and wise mama!

2008-05-06T12:11:00.000-07:00

I may be violating publication rights, and if so...i'll remove this. but until then! just wanted to share with you a few words from my mom. She and Daddy are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary tomorrow. Congratulations, Mama and Daddy!! I love you both!

Anniversary pearls.
May and June, popular marriage months, give rise to many wedding anniversary events. Barring the unexpected, we will be among the celebrators on Wednesday as we commemorate a milestone in our marriage. Although it feels like admitting my age, I can proudly announce the knot we tied will be 30 years old.
I?m not going to lie, though. After all these years we are not rip roaring madly in love with each other. It?s better than that, kind of like comparing a flashflood down a creek to a big beautiful lake, maybe even an ocean. We?re simply amazed and grateful that by the grace of God we beat the odds and survived.
I read about the traditional anniversary gifts, gems, and colors for each year of marriage, all the way through the 75th celebration. The gift for the 30th is supposed to be of pearl. (I also learned that most of those listings came from the American National Retail Jeweler Association, no surprise.) Two suggested gifts are a pearl necklace and an engraved mother of pearl trinket box, neither of which appeals to me.
I am interested, however, in the pearl status for our anniversary, not that I want pearls. Pearls are born out of irritation. A little piece of grit inside an oyster?s shell irritates the tissue, which secretes a substance to coat the particle. After many coatings a pearl is formed; something very beautiful comes from the gritty aggravation. After 30 years of aggravations in marriage (from both parties), I?m glad to say we have some pearls. All the ?scrapes? we went through, financial problems, mistakes, and personality quirks pushed us beyond our own selfishness. We also cultivated six pearls of children, more precious than any earthly thing to us. God has been gracious.
Talk of an ocean and oysters is appropriate for our special day. We spent our honeymoon at the Sandra Dee in Emerald Isle, pier-fishing part of the time. I caught more fish and can prove it with a Polaroid snapshot. Our kids laugh at our pictures, our seventies clothes and the Dodge Duster. In one pose my newlywed husband is clowning around, attempting to flex his muscles with a scowl on his face, to imitate the Marines sharing the beach with us. I look at those pictures of us, just kids, and think to myself, oh, how we knew nothing of what lay ahead.
Even now, we can only know where we?ve been; the future is still hidden from us. We have each other today and hope to make it to our golden anniversary, but we can?t assume anything. One of us could exit prematurely. That awareness makes me value the time we have.
If I had it to do over, ?it? being the years we?ve spent together, I would give more to the relationship. Too much of my thoughts and energy was placed in things that do not matter in the long run. I would listen more carefully to God than to people and learn to say no to busyness. And not feel guilty.
It?s noteworthy the first miracle of Jesus took place at a marriage celebration. He turned the water into wine; he took the ordinary and made it extraordinary. Our marriage still needs that miracle today.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 states ?a threefold cord is not quickly broken.? On Wednesday, the three of us will begin the next leg of this journey together, the third party being Jesus. I?m happy to still be in love and ready to catch the most fish again.

More Zandeliciousness!

2008-04-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

such a happy boy!

Yes, this toy absolutely hypnotizes him!

Starting to look like a Neal!

fabulous birthday weekend...

2008-04-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

i have wonderful friends and family. i am thankful for those that journey with me through the days-in and days-out...and those that stick by me despite the miles that keep us apart. It is bittersweet to realize how precious friendship is on the days that commemorate life milestones. the friendships that have become so dear over the years...and the ones that have faded. it is sweet to realize perhaps some have not faded so... I think this year was even more bittersweet as my family is in the midst of some great, but difficult transition. I am reminded of the birthdays past and how different things were then. but, i'm so thankful to be here..yes, even here...because it's where God has set me free from things of old and has taught me so much of who He is. the difficult things have been worth every struggle.

highlights of the weekend? seeing little Zander! Paul jumping and giving me a big hug when i walked in the door. seeing my grandmother with all her grand and great-grandchildren. sitting out at the firepit with friends. smores. having friends over. phone calls from friends out of state. facebook posts! perfect weather. being outdoors. amazing music by talented friends Chris and Todd. the late night dinner at Mid-City Grill with friends. and wishing an inmate happy birthday at the prison - it was his birthday too!

going nuts!!!

2008-04-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

this kid makes me crazy he's so cute!

(i'm sure he wants to come visit me for my birthday!) ;)

thanks for the buzz, skinny latte

2008-04-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

i've almost made it to bed twice now...but my mind is just whirring. caffeine after 8 pm. sucks getting old!

speaking of old...i will be another year older on Saturday. lots can happen between now and then, but in all likelihood, i will not be engaged. i always thought i'd be okay as long as i was engaged by the same age my mom was when she married my dad. she was 26. isn't that a crazy idea? but when i turned 26, i pretty much accepted that i wasn't going to be engaged or married by the time i was 27...i wasn't even sure i'd know who it would be since i've always wanted to marry a friend. the idea of a quick romance and engagement is terrifying...and so, it didn't happen. and i'm still pretty clueless.

yeah, clueless...

but, it's still been such a great week. So many things i do know to be true.

First of all, happiness is not in having a guy, it's being with people you love. i do want to marry and have a family...but one of the greatest reasons is because i want to experience that kind of love. it's not in having a guy. i have seen so many friends have "someone" and slowly discover that their hearts still ached for something more. that relationship required so much self-sacrifice. so, because of these things, i take this area of my life slowly. and i do not want to compromise. so, even when i find my belief severely lacking, i default back to God's faithfulness as i accept His will for my journey today and wait for the things to come.

speaking of..., wow, just look at what God has done. I was talking to my new friend Kristen H. on Sunday about this and was so greatly reminded of how God has done a great work since bringing me to TN. He has proven Himself to me time and again.

so, what's up for the 27th year? no clue! hopefully i'll be approved for graduation by this time next year. maybe i will have a clearer idea of my next step! i only hope for...more downtime with good friends, a greater ability to love others, and God's presence to remind me that i'm never alone.

any suggestions on things i should do during this year?

is that your final answer?

2008-04-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

PRICELESS! My nephew is so cute!

bang for your buck!

2008-04-11T07:38:00.000-07:00

okay, i have a hot deal for you! reading my blog has finally become good for your wallet!

So, you can get a fabulous deal on Microsoft Office 2007 if you're a student - have a school email address and can prove you're enrolled for "0.5 credit hours". This includes all the usual stuff - word, excel, powerpoint...and also, my personal fav: OneNote, publisher, access, groove (what is that?), outlook, and infopath...all for $59.95.

So, check it out - Microsoft Office Student Deal - the offer expires April 30th!

have you got it in you?

2008-04-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

this cracks me up. maybe it is because i have cracked!?!

it is going well...

life gets crazy, and it seems like the whole house wants to come down. but tonight, as i sit with the door open, feeling the warmth, watching an old movie on TCM, and working on my IRB recertification...i feel an amazing calm and comfort. Even though i can't control all the erratic variables in my life, there is someone who loves me so much and has these things under control. i feel hopeful about everything, even though i am certain about so little. even though i'm alone, i'm not lonely. i only hope tonight to begin acting more like...more like someone that knows the love of God...even if it is just a taste.

"For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you."

(Luke 17:21)

to marry a musician

2008-04-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

in listening to all this great music, i think how lovely it would be to marry a musician...like Ray. or like Josh Groban.... well, as long as he would let me walk down the aisle to one of Ray's songs. or maybe a first dance to one of Ray's songs....

i feel like i'm breaking one of my cardinal rules and i am. i don't like to post about marriage, etc. it's just asking for a rumor to get started! but...you know, i've heard and read in books that certain images of scantily clad women will suddenly pop into men's heads. this makes most women uncomfortable...suspicious...even heartbroken. yet, i think that the same thing happens to women, in a different way, which makes single guys equally uncomfortable and devastated. Sometimes, these sudden, random, un-asked-for images of weddings, marriage, and family life will pop into our heads. I am just driving along, and then i think, "ah, that would be a great song to walk down the aisle to". WHAT?! i was just thinking about the slugs in my flower garden, buying toilet paper at the grocery store, the rattle in my engine...from where did that thought come?!

but, it's reality. some girls i know are in vehement denial. aww, who needs boys? who wants to get married? but, i would rather not be in denial...i embrace my eveishness. it's a part of me and it's very real. now, i don't have things planned out. i don't have the ceremony planned with every detail decided, all the way down to the shoes the flower girl will wear. i hope that it's not all the fuss most weddings are. considering how untraditional the rest of my life has been, i can't imagine changing now!

and of course, i have been listening to Ray while writing this post...he he he.

oh ray!

2008-04-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

one good way i am benefitting from this dissertation work is that i'm getting into to a lot of really good music to keep me company as i write. as i drove home tonight, i was listening to one of my current favs...

(Ray LaMontagne)

i'm an onion...artichoke...head of lettuce

2008-04-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

i've been dying to read the Narnia Chronicles again. but, knowing how these books utterly seize my imagination, i have been denying myself. i read them a couple summers ago and literally walked around in a Narnian fog. it was a wonderful feeling, but i lost all ability to write. So, i can't lose that right now with all the technical writing going on.

So, my ears perked right up when Bobby said he was going to draw from one of the Narnia books last Sunday. He proceeded to tell the story of Eustace who was "cursed" as a dragon because of his greed. Bobby read the scene where Eustace is finally freed. Eustace tried to rid himself of the dragon suit, but was only able to peel off a few of the top layers. He was only freed once Aslan took his claw and reached deep into the many layers of the dragon suit. Aslan had to tear through the deeper layers in order to remove the suit from Eustace. Bobby related that the experience hurt, but in the end, it felt so good to be free.

As i listened, I winced to hear how Aslan had to claw through the deep layers in order to set Eustace free. I knew that this story could easily be about me. what i didn't know was how much this story really was about me.

It's been a rough few weeks. in addition to all the normal stresses, i have been struggling in relationships, dealing with a suprising emergence of hurt from my past, and getting absolutely nowhere on my dissertation with professors breathing down my neck. It was the most stress I'd been under in a long time. I tried to hide under the pillow at night, and sometimes that would help me fall asleep. but the main emotion arising from all of this was: anger.

I've never been an angry person...growing up, i was always "positive". i was actually afraid to be angry. So, as i felt myself responding to my circumstances in anger, i began to get nervous. But, there was really no other option. i was mad. mad at the hurt in my past. mad at certain people in my life. mad at the closed doors i was knocking myself against. mad at God for not helping me and allowing the craziness! even when i was smiling, inside, i was fuming. i felt awful. i knew the folks i was mad at could probably tell; yet, i couldn't think anything to calm myself down. I tried not to care - tried to distract myself with anything out of the ordinary. i talked to people, who cared and gave wonderful, sound advice. but, the bottom line was: i couldn't reason my way back to feeling okay and i desperately wanted to be pleasing to God.

God gave me two verses: You are my refuge. You are my portion. (referring to God). okay.

And, God used the story i heard Sunday to launch me into a thought process. i eventually began to realize that my present circumstances were all orchestrated to reveal a layer in me that had kept itself under the wraps quite well over the years: Angry Melissa. yikes! but even scarier was that Angry Melissa is not quite as easily placated as Sweet Melissa. nooo....where as a verse or a prayer or a few hours with God would have brought Sweet Melissa to terms with circumstances, that didn't quite cut it for Angry Melissa. i realized that the angry melissa in me required a deeper understanding of God and His character before she could move on. In the midst of these circumstances, my current level of faith and belief were insufficient. i would have grow in my faith, belief, and knowing of who God is in order to survive these situations...to grow...to move on. yet, i knew i was not able to muster this faith nor this belief. And, amazingly, therein came my peace.

it began with just a first peaceful day. i felt an unexplainable hope. a second peaceful day. i recognized that anger was still there, but i felt quieter inside. then, some great conversations happened to help me begin to address hurtful situations in my past. then, a wonderful door to getting my dissertation started opened. by that point, i was dancing with excitement inside. i felt free - soft and warm (as Eustace did). and yet, i was bewildered...what had i learned about God that enabled me to move forward? i felt that i passed the test without really knowing the answer. yet, as soon as i questioned, i knew. what more did i know of God? I now knew that God is the God of Angry Melissa. He is my portion. As He surfaced, began to deal with, and started to heal a very hurt, angry part of me, I began to know a deeper amount of His love for me. it's easy to believe He loves me when I think i'm doing right and deserving of the love. but, angry people were always the outcasts in my book...yet, He did not cast out nor forsake the angry melissa. He loved me.

i find it funny how He tells me He thinks i'm beautiful, and turns right around and allows me to see a not-so-glamorous side of myself. But, this shows how little i truly understand His ways. He tells me to love my enemies (this i'm learning quite well). He says - how am i any different than my enemies if i can only love my friends? even our enemies can love those who are in cahoots with them! Yet, i, a child of God, think that i have to merit His love - still! what do you think He is saying, "ya think?!?" or maybe He's just shrugging and shaking His head. oh well...i am a sheep.

utter waste of time?

2008-04-01T22:09:00.000-07:00

i'm noticing a wierd habit...

when i'm going really good on school work, things are finally clicking, words are coming...i find myself so easily distracted. tonight, it was awful. it's 1:10 am...and i've so little to show for it. but i discovered that i could import all my Blogger posts into Wordpress...and i've toyed with the idea of switching blogs for a while now. The wordpress templates seemed cooler...maybe. but i did like my URL better...

a few hours later, this is what i have (very different from this blog!): http://mfayn.wordpress.com/

like night and day, literally! but in all the insanity, i was just in the mood to change things up really good. i liked being able to post other pages, as well. but, it's not as flexible as Blogger in editing details, which are extremely important to me. i don't like fancy fonts...i like the really clean-cut ones. I don't like fonts that are too big either. Blogger lets me control these things; i haven't figured out how to do it on Wordpress.

But, take a look, and cast your vote! I don't plan to invest much more time into this random diversion of precious time! ahhhk!!

a little sarcasm to mix things up... hehe

2008-03-31T19:31:00.000-07:00

smeared windshields

2008-03-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

i drove home in a drizzle tonight...a bit off and on. the spray lifted off the roads by the other vehicles kept the windshield smeared, but not so obscure that I couldn't seen generally, nor did it keep my wipers from making the rubbing complaint as they swished back and forth.

as i looked out through the drizzle, i felt that i wasn't just looking out onto the road, but that was my view of life today. Today, my view was obscured by things that didn't completely block my view, but they kept me from seeing very far. tears, stress, concerns, ideas, hopes, desires, fears...they clouded my view and built an invisible weight which wrapped itself around my shoulders. but, when i'm afraid i cannot go any further, when i'm at my wits end, hope is always renewed.

that renewal was brought through my mom today. she helped me understand some things.

sometimes, for no immediately explainable reason, we are tried and tested through circumstances of fire. I have been recalling such a season in my life. I have read about a certain "spirit of fire" and have certainly seen God allow my life to be tested through fire in the past. After my master's program was completed a couple years ago, I came to a place of laying to rest an ambition I had worked literally my entire life toward. I surrendered that life course to accept whatever path God chose for me. It was the most painful experience i have yet endured. Yet, I have been amazed at His provision and the fulfillment that has brought me so much passion and joy through my current work.

But, in the struggle to complete even this work, i find myself fearful to be working so hard. I am afraid that, once again, i will see tremendous efforts and time invested come to nothing...a practical "giving up". I begin second-guessing every idea...and every goal...and every project. I find myself questioning God.

Mama suggested that my fear rising from my past experience was distorting my view and understanding of God. Just when I think i'm through a season of learning more about His character, I realize I've only just begun. And, just when i thought i had learned everything i could have from my past season of pain, i realize God has brought me back to this place...to face my nothingness so that He can fill it with His power and might. Mama was right. I was believing a lie about God's character and was living life accordingly. His thoughts are not our thoughts; His ways are not our ways.

I don't know how He will answer my prayers about these challenges I face. i cannot ensure that i will reach my desired end...which is very basic - essentially, a completed dissertation and graduation. i am in despair that i will be in school forever. or i fear that i will not finish this task and it will be an undone, unfinished part of my life. i still pray "help my unbelief".

yet, so often in His Word, God instructed the Israelites to look back on the things He had done for them and to draw strength, courage, and hope from remembering His actions on their behalf. I think perhaps i can do the same. Mama reminded me today that when i had laid to rest my hopes of medical school, and had simply begun to fill out job applications to be a drug rep, a tuition-paid doctorate program came with a simple phone call from an old professor. i had no plans of it...no idea how amazingly it would fit in with the work I had just begun in reaching out to children of prisoners. So, i can be confident that this is a work He has begun. Despite the season of loss He has allowed me to endure in the past, I do not have to live today in fear. "...how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" (Matt. 7:11).

"being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ;" (Phil. 1:6)